|It's not easy to read, let alone think of a topic on it worthy enough to write about.|
I am not good at managing stress well.
My mother has breast cancer. She recently had a lump removed and when they couldn't give her radiation treatment due to her inability to lay down because of osteoarthritis in her hips (and because of her refusal to have a mastectomy) they went in and removed as much of the borders as possible. They thought they got it all. Now she has another lump in her other breast. As a diabetic she also has a massive black ulcer on one of her heels and a cellular infection in her legs that seems to be antibiotic resistant. This is how diabetics loose their feet.
Needless to say, my worry level is at maximum right now.
I just got in contact with a long lost cousin on my mother's side and have been informed that her father killed himself. That's three suicides in my mother's immediate family. Three people who suffered from PTSD and just couldn't. Fucking. Take. It. Anymore. I'm dealing with it, but my mom is grieving - not just the loss of her brother, but the loss of possibility - of future reconciliation and that whole idea just fucks me up inside.
All of this would be totally manageable if I were feeling like myself - getting to bed early, getting up early, eating well (and enough), getting plenty of exercise… making time for me.
But I am not feeling like myself.
I can't stop crying because we had to give our cat away a few weeks ago. We found him June 22, 2011 as a tiny two-week-old little thing playing in a puddle, completely dehydrated and oozing out of every facial orifice.
|Pleased as a peach.|
|He was so strong that he was able to drag this 11 1/2 size shoe |
by the string across our very large living room floor.
A scary smart cat, he did things I had never seen an animal do before (except for apes on scientific animal shows). One time I used a long pole that was part of a toy to fish some stuff out from under a bookcase and when I was done, he took it, slid it under the bookcase and following exactly what I did, was able to drag a few things of his own out from under the case. Several times we caught him trying to clean his own box by rolling his turds up and over the edge onto the floor. He learned words like a dog does, like "treat" and "hungry" and he called me, "mama."
|He always tried so hard to keep from sleeping so he could watch me.|
|Trust me, it looked much worse in person.|
We were at a loss. We could not put him to sleep, no matter how many people told us we should (mostly vets) - I had recently put my dog to sleep and there was no way I was going through that again, not this vivacious, super intelligent cat who was very much alive and young enough to have a long future ahead of him. It was my greatest fear, to have to put him to sleep.
Gratefully a friend from high school agreed to take him in and without too much discussion my husband and I agreed that living in the country in a big house with other animals was probably the best thing for him. I drove the five hours to Mariposa and left him there. The drive home was filled with some of the worst heartbreak I have ever felt.
The guilt racked us immediately and hasn't fully left. We know that it wasn't either of our faults. It was circumstances. Like most parents say, we did the best we knew how and it may have all been the very wrong things to do, but we didn't know. But like most other things in my life - the agony that I cannot go back and change things is sometimes to great for me to bear.
I can't stop wishing for things to be different in order for me to accept this and move on. I wish I could get a picture of him a day, just so I can feel like I'm still a part of his life, watching him grow. I can't think of anything else we could have done, but I can't stop thinking about all the things we could have done differently before that might have prevented what is happening now. We're both doing that and we need to stop, but how?
On top of this some very important people in my life are very big on "emotion shaming" (I tried linking that quote to an article I read today from the thoughtcatalog.com, but the page isn't coming up), because they can't deal with other people's feelings, or they're just too busy to really make me a priority (which I completely understand), so on top of all this I am feeling a bit abandoned by some of my friends. (Not all - some of you have been great, but you can only do so much.)
I keep trying to think about how I dealt with the death of my father or the end of my last marriage (my last greatest loss) and honestly aside from being drunk a lot and writing bad poetry it was just time that helped, because even then there was only one person once in a while who was willing to listen and give me a shoulder to cry on and not make me feel like I was being a Negative Nelly.
But I can't stay drunk and I can't depend on other people and I have to work on other things so my own personal writing has to go on hiatus… but I need something. Something to get me through the time passing. I can't concentrate.
Evan and I have each other when we're together and when he's at work he's very occupied and busy and I'm sure that he's not sitting there bawling his eyes out all day like I am, because I'm sitting in the space that I shared with Linus all day every day and it's permeated with every second that we've spent together. The moments are everywhere all the time. Everything I do reeks of him. Every place my eyes fall looks like him. I am completely haunted. It's like the final loss that broke me.
I know I should try to get out and work elsewhere where I'm not reminded of him all day, but I have so much to do and it takes so long to get anywhere. I tried sitting at Starbucks and I had my little MP3 player but I don't have any music on there that helps me to concentrate and it's too loud if I'm not using it. And a good friend of mine told me I could come work at her place when she gets home, but it's going to take 45 minutes to get there and I could stay for a few hours but then she would have to leave and then I have to turn around and go back home which will take another 45 minutes. And do we really think I'm just going to sit there and do my homework? Maybe for some of the time… the rest of the time we're going to chew each other's faces off because we don't see each other that often.
I could take my laptop to the local library and plug my headphones into it and listen to classical music through there while I read but the seats are horribly uncomfortable and I have this disc degeneration and a bone spur on my spine and by the time I'd get home I'd be in severe pain.
Besides, the more I run away from this place the longer it's going to take for me to get over it. And then poor Evan feels that if he were home more often he could help and I told him that he can't miss work just to be at home to babysit his crazy fucking wife.
There's just too much going on and at a time when I need to just disassociate from the world is when I have to be completely present in it and it's not easy. I've never felt this way before. I've always been able to numb myself. I have never had so much responsibility that I couldn't just get drunk and pass out or get high and watch movies. I have always been able to take the easy way out and now I can't. And for the first time in my life I finally understand the need for therapy and antidepressants, because how else do I do it. How do I feel whole when I feel like I'm being ripped in a million different directions? When I'm falling into a thousand pieces?
I don't have time to look into mental health right now, but I did do extensive research on homeopathic antidepressants and came across one that seems very promising. Inositol. Inositol has been used to treat everything from diabetic nerve pain to hormonal issues stemming from PCOS. It has been effective for those suffering from panic disorder and depression. I read hundreds and hundreds of reviews (yes, I should have been working, but this is IMPORTANT), and while a few of them said, "didn't do anything for me," the rest raved about how it has changed their lives. So we ordered it and the mail just came, so it should be waiting in the mailbox for me right now.
I'll let you know how it goes.