Because of PCOS I am unable to have children without intense hormone therapy, which I do not want to put my body through. Evan and I also feel that the world is an overpopulated mess and we do not wish to force anyone into it. So we've decided to not try to get pregnant and agree that adoption might be a thing we'd be interested in further down the line. We see it sort of like how we view animal breeding - why create more life when there's so many suffering without a home?
Getting back to biology... all of this aside, I can't stop thinking about getting pregnant. I will be 37 years old in exactly one month and, "my biological clock is ticking. like. this!" Even if I intellectually wanted to get pregnant and I had no health issues I would have a very low chance of conceiving, and if I did conceive I would have a higher chance of miscarriage or some other problem. If we changed our mind, we would have to do it within the next two years or else our chances would dwindle substantially. As you can imagine I've been experiencing some very confusing and conflicting emotions.
|Right now I have a 15% chance.|
|I wouldn't even know where to begin...|
So what can I do about all these unwanted emotions? How do you balance what you KNOW IN YOUR MIND with what you feel inside? I see a show where someone has a baby and I walk around weeping as I fold laundry. I literally laugh out loud and chastise myself for being so silly. "You don't even want kids," I say out loud. I know this as an impenetrable FACT - just like I know the sky is blue and that my husband loves me. Yet I still weep. Uncontrollably.
One time I wanted ice cream so badly that I cried because of my diet. I wanted to be healthy more than I wanted the ice cream - the ice cream didn't even matter in the big scheme of things, but I wanted it badly right then and there. How fat (and ultimately irresponsible) would I be if I ate ice cream every time I craved it, knowing it would be the worst possible choice to make? Is this sort of like that? Is it wrong of me to equate making babies to eating ice cream?
These undesired, useless biological urges piss me off. Why can't I be more evolved? The human species doesn't need to spread anymore. We're already bordering on parasitic. There are so many children all over the world (although now we Americans apparently have to count Russia out) who need good homes it seems positively negligent to breed instead of adopt. But people can't be judged for acting on their perfectly natural and organic biological needs. We have been raised to unconsciously believe that they are our top priorities.
|That's not how you do it...|
Okay, I feel better now.